Confession 7: “A Bad Call”


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I’m 28 years old and in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship is good, she loves me more than herself and we are planning to get married in a couple of months.
However two years ago, we went for a live-in so that we would understand each other better which in turn would help us in deciding our stand on our future regarding our marriage, careers etc.

As we already were in a relationship for two years it was not a difficult decision. All was good and fine until I decided that we are ready for next level; we should get physical. We were intimate, a lot, in fact we did everything intimate except for that we never actually did “the thing”. Belonging to a reserved background, she wanted to have it after we get married. Things started going bad and we started fighting over it. We started believing simultaneously that we don’t trust each other.

One day after having an ugly fight over this she went for an official tour of 5 days. I was in rage that how can she deny me for the thing that was very common for my generation! I surfed the net and made a contact with one of the Escort Agencies. I booked an escort, a one similar looking to my girlfriend and did it that night on the bed where we slept. I felt like I had conqured something. I wanted to prove that even if she denied I can have it whenever I want. Neither I contacted her nor did she.

After five days, when I returned from my work, I saw her sitting on the porch of our house. She had the keys, but I saw her there, sitting and crying profusely. As soon as she saw me she hugged me so tight that I felt choked and she sobbed so hard that she started losing her breath. We hugged there, outside my house, for almost forty minutes. I somehow calmed her down and went inside. There she told me that when I didn’t contact her, she felt like she lost everything. She said she was ready to do it whenever I want, wherever I want and however I want but never ever again I should be mad at her.

I realized what I did in rage, I betrayed a beautiful soul, someone who was ready to go against the values she loved the most for my sake. I hugged her and cried, like a small baby. And she, for a beautiful woman she is, started consoling me forgetting her pain.

I will never be able to tell her what I did, for I am afraid that she she would get broken beyond mending. The guilt is tormenting and is killing me each day. I sleep with a lump in my throat every night. I write this for I needed to tell it to someone. I hope someday I would be able to forgive myself for the sin I did.

I hope I can…

©Name Withheld

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Confession 6: “Introducing Myself”


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Dear Diwa,
Here is a short essay on me.

Me? Umm I am an immature soul with a heart large enough to accommodate all those people who have made me smile in this long run of life. People say I am very childish. Yes, I am. Also one thing they have always told me “Speakkk louddlyy” . I am silent in the midst of a lot of people and I talk softly, hence 99% of everyone has a problem on hearing my voice. When I get angry, I try to release my heat off my heart, so sometimes people have been hurted by my words. I am grateful for the ones who have loved me, valued my words, made me feel special. I like loyalties, friends and relationships. I like dreaming, because I feel it is a place where you can feel everything you want to feel, go everywhere you want to go and meet all the people you want to meet. And you know, I love writing, getting all the emotions off my heart, also I am a great lover of Java, “The programming language”.

©Name Withheld

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Confession 4: “His Mistress”


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Dear Diwa,

My story is kind of controversial. Despite the fact that we are fast-becoming modernized in everything, society still adheres to a lot of the old ways. I am like most women. I just wanted someone to love me.

He was someone who seemed to be so interesting. We became fast friends until he proposed to be my boyfriend. He was cute, kind, and way older than me. I wanted to feel how it was like to be with someone, so I said yes.

We were fine for a week. And then, suddenly, we weren’t. He wasn’t replying to any of my messages. I texted him non-stop until, finally, he contacted me and informed me that he was breaking up with me.

I cried, non-stop. I was young. He was my first real love and he dumped me because his former girlfriend came back. He chose her over me.

In spite of what happened, we eventually crossed paths again. We belonged to the same circle of friends. It was inevitable that we’d see each other again. I agreed to be friends with him. He was fine, at first. Then, he proposed something else. He wanted me to be his second girlfriend, even when he already was back with his former girlfriend.

I said no, of course. Day after day, he kept asking and begging me to reconsider. I kept saying no. Then, I disappeared from his life. I needed to keep my distance because he didn’t want to choose me over her, but he kept wanting more from me, too.

I never dreamed of being second best. I grew up being taught that a proper lady never made herself cheap to any guy. A decent lady has dignity, poise, and class. So, I decided to stay away.

A year passed. Two years passed. Then, we crossed paths again. He asked about me and I asked about him. That time, I was already working. He wanted to start another relationship with me. However, there was one big problem. He was already married.

He said he tried to look for me. He asked all our friends about my location and my contact details, yet all my friends opted not to tell him. So, he decided to marry his then-girlfriend, the girl he left me for.

You may think me a fool. You could even call me stupid because I said yes to him that time. He wanted me to be his girl and I realized that I was still in love with him. Yes, he was married but love can be such an idiotic thing, most times.

We are still together now and yes, he is still married. I don’t know what will happen in the end. He tells me he plans to leave his wife for me. He says he loves me. He says he doesn’t love his wife anymore. I don’t really know now what to believe.

I know that I am living in sin. I am a kept woman. I am his mistress. But, I love him and I don’t know if I can be without him.

This is my story. This is the result of following my heart instead of my brain–or not balancing them both to make such a crucial decision.

©Name Withheld

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