Yes, I probably shouldn’t be writing this anymore. I know I should simply write you off my life and move on. You don’t deserve this letter because you don’t even deserve any of my time — you never did and you never will. I know that all too well now.
However, knowing that you aren’t worth any attention isn’t really the point of this narrative. In a way, this letter is for me. This is my way of slowly convincing myself to let you go. By writing this, I am hoping to remind myself of why exactly do I need to move on.
I know that you probably think me stupid for having to convince myself repeatedly that you are truly gone — like how I cannot see the reality of your absence when you don’t even care to reply to any of my messages or calls — but I have a stubborn heart that still pines for you. Unwittingly. Redundantly. Shamefully.
Despite all the pain that you’ve cost me, I still find myself looking for you and waiting for you; believing that this latest upheaval is only a big misunderstanding and that you will eventually come back to me. I am tired of this exhausting routine.
I need to stop thinking of you. I need to stop loving you.
You came into my life when I was fed up with the constant cycle of falling in love, getting hurt, and letting go. We became friends and then we became more than friends. I told you about myself and you told me about yourself. We talked about past heartaches, mistakes, and losses.
You were an interesting distraction. It has been a long time since I’ve been with someone who could level with me in so many ways. I loved the fact that we could talk about so many different things with barely a pause each time. We shared so many similarities and it was so easy for me to tell you about anything because you always seemed to understand.
I slowly fell in love with you. I thought you fell in love with me too.
We agreed to be in an exclusive relationship and despite the long distance between us, I believed that you were someone I could trust. Why wouldn’t I when we seemed to share the same fear of God and the same basic principles in life? You appeared to be very decent and I liked that in you. You were also far older than me and I thought your vast experience in life would help keep us steady.
We talked nonstop everyday and we began planning to be together either by you coming here or me going there. I believed that our plans were solid ones and that I could trust the words you told me. You seduced me easily and irrevocably because you appeared to have so many of the qualities I found important in a lifemate.
You would always tell me you loved me. I liked that you said “I love you” using the complete sentence. I have never appreciated anyone using the shortcut versions like “love you” or “I love u”, believing that it was always a must to say it fully. For me, that meant sincerity and truth. I still believe that actually.
I honestly thought I found the man I was meant to be with forever. I thought I finally found my soulmate and that I would never have to be hurt again.
How wrong I was.
The month of December came and our plan of me coming to you did not push through. We were both feeling so disappointed but we agreed to find other ways for us to be together. You told me that you were going to find me a job that would enable me to go there using a work visa instead. This, we knew, would be a better option for us because it would enable me to leave my country without the vigorous immigration censorship that stopped me from reaching you that first try, using the simple visit visa you acquired for me.
We appeared to be going through our plans splendidly.
Imagine then my surprise when I called you via your other number and a girl answered your phone. She asked me who I was and I told her that I was your girl. She was surprised and she told me that she was your girl too. She also said she was pregnant with your child. She was, like me, a Filipina.
I talked to you after that. I berated you and we fought hard about it — me, fighting to end it with you and you, fighting to remain with me. You explained that she was a mistake and that it was I that you loved. You said the child wasn’t yours and that she was simply after your money, using her pregnancy as a reason to get you.
You begged for my forgiveness and you asked for a second chance. You see, I never really wanted to give in to you but I truly loved you and your friend vouched for you as well. Several days passed but eventually, I agreed to start anew with you.
Slowly, we began fixing our relationship and we began healing the pain caused by your betrayal. I still believed in us and I wanted to make us work. We had so much to lose and I did not want one measly setback to erase everything we had.
You seemed to be doing better. You were more attentive than ever. You put more effort into finding me a job there and you were able to secure one in no time. I was doing my part here by fixing all the documents needed for me to secure the work visa and contract that we wanted. I believed we were finally going to be together. You said it was a sure thing. You were even planning to come visit me here.
We were happy — or we seemed to be.
We were already nearing the fulfillment of our plan. You asked me to marry you once we reached each other and I, of course, agreed. We talked of building a family and we spoke of our future together. Everything seemed to be coming true. You kept telling me not to worry. You kept saying that you have already chosen me above all else. I believed you. I really did.
Then you changed.
I noticed that you seemed disconnected suddenly. You appeared distracted and cold. I was starting to worry but you kept telling me that you were simply tired because of work. You said nothing has changed and that it was simply the depression making you that way. I assumed it was the usual long distance misery that afflicted both of us now and again.
Heck, it was the month of February and we were simply counting weeks before we could finally be together.
I still believed that we were fine up until another girl messaged me.
She asked me who I was and I told her I was your girl. A repeat of what happened before, right? She, like the first one, told me you were with her too. She also said you were seeing two other girls apart from her. Again, she was Filipina, like me.
Can you even imagine how that made me feel? We were nearly together. We were going to marry each other and then I find out something like that. Yes, I had nothing and everything to say all at once. I was at a devastatingly loss for words. My heart broke into tiny, useless shards.
Yes, you said you did not even know her at all. I was being my usual stupid self, willing to hear and believe your side of the story. I waited for you to say more. I firmly believed that you would erase all the doubts and uncertainties caused by this new problem.
I waited… and I waited.
The sad thing is that you did not do anything despite that latest issue. You left me hanging, fully knowing that everything was at stake now — our relationship, the future, my life.
You led me to believe that you changed. You made me work for all my documents so that I could be with you, making me believe that you were keeping up with fully making it happen. I stopped all other plans for myself, letting myself focus on reaching you.
It would have been better if you simply stopped all pretensions and make-believes when you said you would. You did not have to make me play your game — a game that I did not even know I was a big part of. Better yet, you could have simply been honest from the start. What devastates me isn’t only the fact that you made me your game. What is truly damaging is the fact that you cruelly let me destroy my plans for myself by making me part of your selfish ego-building schemes.
I loved you fully and sincerely. I still do. I gave you that chance that you never truly deserved. I gave you the ultimate gift of letting you pass through all my defenses, believing that you would never use this power to destroy me. I gave you the key to my soul. You knew everything about me and you disregarded it all. What hurts even more is that you simply left without any explanation.
I am still in the process of coming to terms with all that has happened. I do not know what lesson you are in my life but I know I will be fine. Eventually. I will not pretend and say that I forgive you. I cannot do that for now. I am still in the midst of this terrible destruction and I don’t know how to start picking up the pieces of myself. Again.
I sincerely hope that things will be better soon but for now, I am simply forcing myself to let you go.
You betrayed me in the foulest way possible — the kind of betrayal that makes anyone question themselves: their own self-image, their own self-worth. No one deserves that brand of vileness. Love isn’t supposed to create such evil.
You made me feel so low and so hollow. Of all the pain I’ve had in my life, you gave me one of the most damaging ones to date. You see, it was never only you who made that ultimate choice of loving someone despite the pressures of culture, family, and religion. I also chose you. I also fought hard for you.
Make no mistake. I will heal. Someday. I will survive this just like the many times I have survived past hurts and betrayals. I will be happy again. I end this letter with this thought in mind: May whatever you did to me serve whatever purpose it has in your life. God sees everything, remember that.