the heart that is lost to the constant wanderings, little sparks of hope, broken promises, and bleeding hearts;
the neurotic questions and introspections that continually fill my brain within the span of a hundred moments;
i think of you.
i dream of you.
i long to hold you.
but you are forever far away from me,
always elusive from my grasp.
the redundant mutterings of a deranged mind that has simply lost the idealism reminiscent of youth and innocence, the neverending prayers for unconditional and perfect love — those are the awful wishes of this broken soul;
where are you?
what are you doing?
who is with you?
why are you not with me?
the darkness enfolds me in the longest painful twilight, smothering the minutest light i have been protecting for so long.
“come home to me”, i shout into the nothingness.
“enfold me within the protective circle of your arms”, i beg.
the belated upheaval of a long-held sob,
the sudden thrust of a blade into my battered heart,
the immediate crashing down of my most fervent wish.
these are the endless sufferings that no one knows but me.
i carefully hide my thoughts from everyone who comes near me because i know that no one will see them for what they truly are;
they say that pride can kill the most humble of souls,
they say that arrogance is the ever-present sword that can simply burn down the most perfect love,
they say i cannot yield to the truth that i am the cause of all these downfalls i have,
they say i am weak and that i do not have that capacity to lower myself and simply reach out.
i say, “maybe, i do not know”.
teach me how to love you perfectly.
i am the epitome of a woman lost in the dream of a perfect union and a perfect world.
i am the grotesque imitation of the perfect companion that everyone hopes to have.
i am the crow that eats its own heart so that no one will ever take it and throw it down the drain again.
the vultures will sigh when they hear of my death.
the forest will cry out its disgust because my body does not deserve to touch the earth that saints and heroes have walked upon.
i am all the ugliness in people, personified.
i am the shameful reminder of all that is kept and hidden.
no one will ever see the fragments of glass that have pierced my soul.
no one will ever think of crumbling into dust with me.
i am forever alone because i am the girl who will never deserve any of these beautiful nuances.
the brittle reality of the nagging night,
the sole purpose of being alive is to balance out the perfect light with my smudge of gross being.
i will forever cry out in loneliness.
i will always wish for you.
i will steadfastly call out your name.
but i will not hold you back from that paradise that you deserve.
my soul shall forever whisper your name, wishing and praying for that temporary relief;
to hold you and tell you of the beauty i could have had with you,
to feel your sweet touch and kiss your luscious lips.
if only i would be granted that one moment suspended in the utter space of time — that spatial loophole where dreams can come true and miracles do exist;
i shall hold you in my midst and tell you the one simple truth i hold:
i love you.
after that, i shall let you ride the waves towards your rightful inheritance,
i will bid you farewell despite the bleeding of my innermost being,
my smile shall tell you to continue on with the journey,
where you and i can never be a reality
but a mere product of my illusions and lucid whisperings;
i go back to the deranged corner of my withered psyche,
fully grateful for that one crossroad where it was possible to touch the magnificence of you;
in that time, i shall let you go.
until then, i remain in this middleground,
where fairies do their bewitching twists,
singing the agonies of a hellish existence without your love.
shall i ever get to you?
shall you ever be mine?
shall i ever be blessed with our own forever?
i am barely alive,
enduring this vast vacuum of terror,
completely attuned to the pinnacle of heartwrenching drought;
i need a glimmer of your light,
the hopeful glimpse of your warmth,
the gentle touch of your hand,
to pull me through this unquenched thirst for you.
the sun is slowly touching my skin,
the faint presence of a refreshing downpour brings a sweeping caress to my downcast eyes,
i think you are finally on that ride home to me.
may the winds hasten your journey,
release me from this anxious waiting,
wash away the wounds of grief and despair,
calm the sweeping storm that voraciously devour me into complete nullity.
unbind these chains of confusion and insanity.
or else, kill me.