Confession 7: “A Bad Call”

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I’m 28 years old and in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship is good, she loves me more than herself and we are planning to get married in a couple of months.
However two years ago, we went for a live-in so that we would understand each other better which in turn would help us in deciding our stand on our future regarding our marriage, careers etc.

As we already were in a relationship for two years it was not a difficult decision. All was good and fine until I decided that we are ready for next level; we should get physical. We were intimate, a lot, in fact we did everything intimate except for that we never actually did “the thing”. Belonging to a reserved background, she wanted to have it after we get married. Things started going bad and we started fighting over it. We started believing simultaneously that we don’t trust each other.

One day after having an ugly fight over this she went for an official tour of 5 days. I was in rage that how can she deny me for the thing that was very common for my generation! I surfed the net and made a contact with one of the Escort Agencies. I booked an escort, a one similar looking to my girlfriend and did it that night on the bed where we slept. I felt like I had conqured something. I wanted to prove that even if she denied I can have it whenever I want. Neither I contacted her nor did she.

After five days, when I returned from my work, I saw her sitting on the porch of our house. She had the keys, but I saw her there, sitting and crying profusely. As soon as she saw me she hugged me so tight that I felt choked and she sobbed so hard that she started losing her breath. We hugged there, outside my house, for almost forty minutes. I somehow calmed her down and went inside. There she told me that when I didn’t contact her, she felt like she lost everything. She said she was ready to do it whenever I want, wherever I want and however I want but never ever again I should be mad at her.

I realized what I did in rage, I betrayed a beautiful soul, someone who was ready to go against the values she loved the most for my sake. I hugged her and cried, like a small baby. And she, for a beautiful woman she is, started consoling me forgetting her pain.

I will never be able to tell her what I did, for I am afraid that she she would get broken beyond mending. The guilt is tormenting and is killing me each day. I sleep with a lump in my throat every night. I write this for I needed to tell it to someone. I hope someday I would be able to forgive myself for the sin I did.

I hope I can…

©Name Withheld

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