“To The Man I Loved And Love”


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Do you still remember me? Do you still recollect the instances we spent together? It’s been years since I’ve last spoken to you–yet, it feels like centuries ago.

We had such a beautiful relationship. Everyone thought we’d last forever. Remember how friends wouldn’t even dare sit beside us because they didn’t like sitting with two love birds who were too co-dependent on each other?

We were always together. One look–one blink and we knew what it meant. We had our own private language. We predicted a compatibility that’ll last through infinity.

In truth, I still dream about you. There are nights when I wake up with a heart, heavy with might-have-beens and a face, strewn with horrendous tears. For, how can I even forget the person who had such a hefty impact in my life? How can I forget the man who took care of my every need? How can I disregard the memories of the person who fought the whole bar just because some boy made a snide remark about me? How can I forget you who treated me like a queen?

You had to leave me for a bit. You said it was so you could save up for our future. I had no way of stopping your decision because, as always, you made the logical decisions for us. Besides, I trusted you a lot.

I had to work, as well, while you weren’t with me. I also needed to support myself and my loved ones. Yet, I never meant the distance between us to be permanent. You tried to contact me, regularly. I also tried to reach out, insistently. Until, I disappeared.

I cannot produce any worthwhile justification for why I vanished. I know that I made a grievous mistake. You see, I focused on working–on fixing my life. I had to re-learn being independent and being alone. I did all I can to be fine without you by my side.

Now, here I am, without you. I’ve been surviving on my own, not knowing what happened to you. There are days and nights when I still yearn for you. I’ve long accepted the fact that I shall never love anyone the way I loved you. I know I’ll never do.

But, I haven’t expected the excruciating longing to remain just as strong as that day I decided to leave. I believe you’re mad at me, even now. I dream of your anger–your flashing eyes and booming voice asking me why. I still wake up crying–your absence multiplied a thousandfold within my soul.

Knowing your temper, you’ve probably cursed me a million times for evanescing like that. Yet, I want you to know that I needed to do it–to stabilize my family’s situation. I needed to prioritize them that time. I hope that you’d find it in you to forgive me–maybe not today, but someday.

I’m not hoping for any kind of reunion. I know that what we had has ended for you the day I left–and that’ll haunt me for the rest of eternity. Because, I still love you–I’ll always do.

For, we can only have one shot at true love in this existence. And, woe to the person who dares to throw it away. I know–because I did.

©Diwa

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“Emptied”


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She went out into the world–
Excited and ripe.
The universe was up for her picking
And every novel item made her smile.
Dancing her way
Through crevices and alleyways,
She acknowledged each gaping bloom
And gawking gecko–
Anxious to be friends with all.
Then one gecko approached her,
Armed with an elfish grin on his face.
She said, “Hi!”
With all the charm and wit, about her.
They became close and he toured her
All throughout the garden–
Showing her the shrouded interstices
Of this Newfoundland of hers.
The captivating lizard dazzled her
With everything there was.
They gamboled about, in oblivion–
Him, cajoling her to enjoy;
Her, relishing every morsel of his sphere.
What she didn’t fathom
Was that each thing came with a price.
He was of that complex realm
And she was merely a new distraction–
A marvelous divertissement, he deduced.
She took in all sights and tastes,
Careless and free, at last.
“Ah! This is life!” she announced.
A few weeks of vacuous pleasures
And the gecko got weary of her zest.
He was ready to move on–
She was evolving into a pesty baggage.
He threw her away and vanished.
She woke up, disoriented and alone.
The sheltered lass wept–
Inveigled to find him, yet again.
For years, she travelled all over the kingdom–
Peering into every face,
Desiring each to be his.
But, existence wasn’t always for the naive.
Torn and crestfallen,
She went back to her cage.
“Oh, I shouldn’t have
Ventured out of this hutch.
Now, I’m more depressed than before!”
She lamented.
The world is a wondrous dominion;
But, it isn’t for the innocent and the meek.

©Diwa

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“A Cave To Forget”


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i go in search of people to rid my system of you; but each time i see a face, all i see is you. in a crowd of strangers, it’s only you, i seek–a pair of chinky eyes, a smiling mouth, a teasing glance. they simply remind me of you. will i ever find a place that won’t make me remember?

a cave.

mayhap a cave will help me forget.

©Diwa

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“Things You’ll Never Know”


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you won’t ever see it.
i guess, you’ll never know;
how much it still means–
the memories of old.
your wall told me things.
silly me, i went to check.
and yes, they hurt–
that sudden, explosive burst;
my heart broke to bits;
but it’ll never show.
i’ll still stand strong and bold.
no speck of sadness will show.
with my head held high,
i’ll still have clear eyes;
for you will never notice
the pain that never ceased.
the love you abandoned in me;
the life we left at the beach.
you told me that you loved me,
i believed those words, you see.
the times we spent together;
the rides, the road, the sea;
they all need to perish.
no trace of them, you’ll see.

©Diwa

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“Could-Have-Beens”


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the saddest part of us
isn’t really the fact
that we ended.
the saddest nuances
are the could-have-beens
that never left–
even after you’ve
disappeared.

©Diwa

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“Fabricated Oblivion”


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i could write about other things
and pretend that i’ve forgotten.
no one will even realize
that under all that fastidious writing
was still your name–
glossed over with vulgar laughter
and fabricated oblivion.
no one except you;
for, you’ll see those tears, i hide.

©Diwa

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“I Heard Them Mention Your Name”


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I heard them mention your name,
And it made my heart jump with joy;
Then I remembered that you aren’t here,
And that you were never really mine.
So, I smiled at them–
Pretending not to know you, at all.

©Diwa

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“Poetry With You”


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Penning down poetry with you,
That’s something I really miss.
The way we just jotted down,
The many things we talked about.

Writing anything for each other,
From love to poverty to politics;
Then, back again, to love.
The spontaneity and harmony,
With which we created write-ups.

Painting pictures with words–
Be it flowery, simple, fancy, or dark.
The fact that I knew you’d get it,
Anything I chose to use or say.

I loved that we had
The same train of thought–
I could use figures of speech,
And I knew, you’d see through it.
Most times, you did.

Sometimes, you didn’t get my meaning,
And I loved those moments, too.
Those were the times, you’d ask–
Ask away, you did, and I’d laugh.

I used to goad you into discovering,
What I meant–what I wanted to mean–
A word, a line, a stanza.
Sometimes, I had to explain
The whole thing.

But then, you’d make poetry, too.
Each day was full of poems for me.
Why did that even stop, anyway?
Why did we allow it to end?

What I really want, to say, is this:
I miss you and yes, I remember you.
I recall the endless discussions–
The steady flow of input-output
Between you and me.

Although, words are superfluous.
Nothing can, ever, fully enunciate
What was really lost,
The day I lost your love.

Because, I lost more than love.
I also lost my friend–
The dear friend I had, in you.

©Diwa

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“Don’t Love Me And Then Say Goodbye”


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I’m not sure if you are someone I should know.
I’m not really certain if I’m even allowed to.
Because, you strike me as someone I’d want to keep;
You have the appearance of someone
who will make me bleed.

I’m not really good with proper discernment,
The way that others can immediately pinpoint,
Those who are only meant to hurt.
Me? I meet someone likeable and then–
Boom! I give my whole world.

Frankly, I don’t want to do that again;
You know, like, giving myself to someone who’ll leave;
And you look like the kind, who gets what they want.
You seem too loveable not to disappear.

No. I’d rather stay away from you.
I don’t want to be the next girl,
Who gets to weep because you’ll go;
For, you don’t plan to stay, do you?

Sometimes, it could be so lonely, like this;
Being alone, this way, gives you that.
You’d wish someone would just spring up;
You’d find yourself praying for love.

You aren’t love, are you? You don’t look like him.
They say, you’ll know him, when he comes.
They say, your heart will simply recognize him.
I don’t think I see him in you–or I’m pretending not to.

Because, I know how it feels to be hurt.
I know how it feels to be thrown away;
Like, you have some kind of disease or something.
It hurts.
Being thrown away–being unloved–
Is pure pain.

So, let’s agree to avoid heartbreak–
When someone decides to untie the string.
That’s the condition I detest, the most.
Don’t love me, and then later on,
Say goodbye.

©Diwa

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