Confession 7: “A Bad Call”

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I’m 28 years old and in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship is good, she loves me more than herself and we are planning to get married in a couple of months.
However two years ago, we went for a live-in so that we would understand each other better which in turn would help us in deciding our stand on our future regarding our marriage, careers etc.

As we already were in a relationship for two years it was not a difficult decision. All was good and fine until I decided that we are ready for next level; we should get physical. We were intimate, a lot, in fact we did everything intimate except for that we never actually did “the thing”. Belonging to a reserved background, she wanted to have it after we get married. Things started going bad and we started fighting over it. We started believing simultaneously that we don’t trust each other.

One day after having an ugly fight over this she went for an official tour of 5 days. I was in rage that how can she deny me for the thing that was very common for my generation! I surfed the net and made a contact with one of the Escort Agencies. I booked an escort, a one similar looking to my girlfriend and did it that night on the bed where we slept. I felt like I had conqured something. I wanted to prove that even if she denied I can have it whenever I want. Neither I contacted her nor did she.

After five days, when I returned from my work, I saw her sitting on the porch of our house. She had the keys, but I saw her there, sitting and crying profusely. As soon as she saw me she hugged me so tight that I felt choked and she sobbed so hard that she started losing her breath. We hugged there, outside my house, for almost forty minutes. I somehow calmed her down and went inside. There she told me that when I didn’t contact her, she felt like she lost everything. She said she was ready to do it whenever I want, wherever I want and however I want but never ever again I should be mad at her.

I realized what I did in rage, I betrayed a beautiful soul, someone who was ready to go against the values she loved the most for my sake. I hugged her and cried, like a small baby. And she, for a beautiful woman she is, started consoling me forgetting her pain.

I will never be able to tell her what I did, for I am afraid that she she would get broken beyond mending. The guilt is tormenting and is killing me each day. I sleep with a lump in my throat every night. I write this for I needed to tell it to someone. I hope someday I would be able to forgive myself for the sin I did.

I hope I can…

©Name Witheld


“To The Man I Loved And Love”

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Do you still remember me? Do you still recollect the instances we spent together? It’s been years since I’ve last spoken to you–yet, it feels like centuries ago.

We had such a beautiful relationship. Everyone thought we’d last forever. Remember how friends wouldn’t even dare sit beside us because they didn’t like sitting with two love birds who were too co-dependent on each other?

We were always together. One look–one blink and we knew what it meant. We had our own private language. We predicted a compatibility that’ll last through infinity.

In truth, I still dream about you. There are nights when I wake up with a heart, heavy with might-have-beens and a face, strewn with horrendous tears. For, how can I even forget the person who had such a hefty impact in my life? How can I forget the man who took care of my every need? How can I disregard the memories of the person who fought the whole bar just because some boy made a snide remark about me? How can I forget you who treated me like a queen?

You had to leave me for a bit. You said it was so you could save up for our future. I had no way of stopping your decision because, as always, you made the logical decisions for us. Besides, I trusted you a lot.

I had to work, as well, while you weren’t with me. I also needed to support myself and my loved ones. Yet, I never meant the distance between us to be permanent. You tried to contact me, regularly. I also tried to reach out, insistently. Until, I disappeared.

I cannot produce any worthwhile justification for why I vanished. I know that I made a grievous mistake. You see, I focused on working–on fixing my life. I had to re-learn being independent and being alone. I did all I can to be fine without you by my side.

Now, here I am, without you. I’ve been surviving on my own, not knowing what happened to you. There are days and nights when I still yearn for you. I’ve long accepted the fact that I shall never love anyone the way I loved you. I know I’ll never do.

But, I haven’t expected the excruciating longing to remain just as strong as that day I decided to leave. I believe you’re mad at me, even now. I dream of your anger–your flashing eyes and booming voice asking me why. I still wake up crying–your absence multiplied a thousandfold within my soul.

Knowing your temper, you’ve probably cursed me a million times for evanescing like that. Yet, I want you to know that I needed to do it–to stabilize my family’s situation. I needed to prioritize them that time. I hope that you’d find it in you to forgive me–maybe not today, but someday.

I’m not hoping for any kind of reunion. I know that what we had has ended for you the day I left–and that’ll haunt me for the rest of eternity. Because, I still love you–I’ll always do.

For, we can only have one shot at true love in this existence. And, woe to the person who dares to throw it away. I know–because I did.