Confession 7: “A Bad Call”


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I’m 28 years old and in a relationship for 4 years now. The relationship is good, she loves me more than herself and we are planning to get married in a couple of months.
However two years ago, we went for a live-in so that we would understand each other better which in turn would help us in deciding our stand on our future regarding our marriage, careers etc.

As we already were in a relationship for two years it was not a difficult decision. All was good and fine until I decided that we are ready for next level; we should get physical. We were intimate, a lot, in fact we did everything intimate except for that we never actually did “the thing”. Belonging to a reserved background, she wanted to have it after we get married. Things started going bad and we started fighting over it. We started believing simultaneously that we don’t trust each other.

One day after having an ugly fight over this she went for an official tour of 5 days. I was in rage that how can she deny me for the thing that was very common for my generation! I surfed the net and made a contact with one of the Escort Agencies. I booked an escort, a one similar looking to my girlfriend and did it that night on the bed where we slept. I felt like I had conqured something. I wanted to prove that even if she denied I can have it whenever I want. Neither I contacted her nor did she.

After five days, when I returned from my work, I saw her sitting on the porch of our house. She had the keys, but I saw her there, sitting and crying profusely. As soon as she saw me she hugged me so tight that I felt choked and she sobbed so hard that she started losing her breath. We hugged there, outside my house, for almost forty minutes. I somehow calmed her down and went inside. There she told me that when I didn’t contact her, she felt like she lost everything. She said she was ready to do it whenever I want, wherever I want and however I want but never ever again I should be mad at her.

I realized what I did in rage, I betrayed a beautiful soul, someone who was ready to go against the values she loved the most for my sake. I hugged her and cried, like a small baby. And she, for a beautiful woman she is, started consoling me forgetting her pain.

I will never be able to tell her what I did, for I am afraid that she she would get broken beyond mending. The guilt is tormenting and is killing me each day. I sleep with a lump in my throat every night. I write this for I needed to tell it to someone. I hope someday I would be able to forgive myself for the sin I did.

I hope I can…

©Name Witheld

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Confession 6: “Introducing Myself”


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Dear Diwa,
Here is a short essay on me.

Me? Umm I am an immature soul with a heart large enough to accommodate all those people who have made me smile in this long run of life. People say I am very childish. Yes, I am. Also one thing they have always told me “Speakkk louddlyy” . I am silent in the midst of a lot of people and I talk softly, hence 99% of everyone has a problem on hearing my voice. When I get angry, I try to release my heat off my heart, so sometimes people have been hurted by my words. I am grateful for the ones who have loved me, valued my words, made me feel special. I like loyalties, friends and relationships. I like dreaming, because I feel it is a place where you can feel everything you want to feel, go everywhere you want to go and meet all the people you want to meet. And you know, I love writing, getting all the emotions off my heart, also I am a great lover of Java, “The programming language”.

©Name Witheld

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Confession 5: “Crushed”


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This is my confession. I’ve got a crush on my boss. But he doesn’t know it. I don’t know how to tell him but every time I see him, I melt into puddles. He has a bigger than life aura and I want him so much. The problem is that he loves someone else and I hate that girl to bits. Please, Diwa, help me. What should I do? Should I resign or what? Although I still hope he sees me for who I am.

One time, we were alone at the office and he was telling me about the current project we were doing. It was late and all the other employees went home. I was still there because I am his assistant. You know the feeling where you just know? Like you just know that he likes you. I was getting that vibe. But I just ignored it and continued encoding the letters we needed the next day.

He asked if I wanted dinner and I just said no. I wanted of course to have dinner with him. But I didn’t want to look easy. So I said no. The whole time we were finishing the letters, he kept teasing me. He’s a good guy and he never tried anything else. Yet. But I have this feeling that if I don’t stay away, it will come to us both saying what we feel. Well, he has a girlfriend and I don’t want to be a third wheel or something. Maybe I should just leave that job.

Anyway, sorry for this silly letter. I just wanted to send something. Thanks.

©Name Witheld

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